Diets mean Maths

157282695Calamity.

We didn’t have scales until earlier this year. And these were not the Spinning Wheel of Scales Doom that we all grew up on. Mais, non! These are Modern scales. They measure BMI, have a blue light that illuminates the numbers and shows a little ‘Female’ or ‘Male’ symbol* to show if the weight profile is mine or my husband’s.

(*I suspect it’s an unpaid internship for the career break into being on Lavatory door.)

They are Digital scales. Them wot show the actual numbers** of one’s gargantuan weight loud and clear, large to prevent one having to bend towards the scales while squinting the numbers into focus as, after all, wearing spectacles will add to one’s weight, no?

(**I suspect the numbers are in equal size to one’s weight. Slender people don’t have to see around the curvature of their stomach, visually dodging small objects drawn into one’s gravitational pull.)

My weight scores have been 19.03 on 6th Feb, then 18.89 on 16th Feb. Aha! I thought, that’s 19st 3lbs and 18st 9lbs in ten days. Hurray! It’s dropping off by the bucket! Er…hang on, that’s 8lbs in ten days, why does that not compute?

Confession: I can’t count. I refuse to count. Numbers are cruel and accountancy a sadist’s idea of fun. I do patterns. Patterns, shape, form, spatial awareness and Advanced Colouring-In (Wax Crayon). Not numbers.

Apparently, digital scales mean: 19st and 0.03 of 14lbs. And 18st and 0.89 of a stone. So I was 19st something, then 18st something. Hurray! It’s a loss! But of how much I have no idea. None. Nada. Zip. Bupkiss.

terror confusedMy husband explained pensions to me this week. We finally made a breakthrough using beans and a pot of yoghurt as an analogy.

After much ranting, pointless arguing and stressing about the scales telling me bullshit, we figured out that I need to work in pounds or kilos only. Stones and pounds are as dead as the hopes that losing weight might be easy, effortless and require no changes to my life.

So, it turns out I’m 2lbs down in ten days. Not great, but in the right direction.

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