I ordered some new clothing online.
Here’s our helpful size chart to help you order the right size, they said.
Okeedokee, Mr Computer, I said, dutifully whipping out the ol’ tape measure.
I measured myself and compared myself against the online company’s size chart. 20 top, 20 waist and a staggering 28/30 hips.
Can I just interrupt myself here to say that I am not a Moomin? Pear-shaped, yes, with a very deep arch to the small of my back that means you can usually fit a closed fist between a waistband and my back. Yet I have never bought clothing bigger than a size 24 in my life, but in them thar days I was bigger than I am now. Confusion reigns.
The clothing arrived, four items for nearly £200. Cor blimey – even my legendarily dodgy maths can figure out the per item average on that one.
- 20 top – It was tight. Goshdurn tight, barely smoothing out lumps and bumps, the strong lining (which was expected) couldn’t handle my steeper than average slope from bum to waist and rolled up in a flash.
- 20 wrap tunic – It gaped at the bust, giving the mirror an eyeful, flaps of unlined, thin fabric billowed under the arm. My husband loved it, he said it was the most feminine he’d seen me dress in some years. I felt like a baggy frump.
- 22 jeans – Jeans with an elastic waistband are always a depressing sight. It makes me feel I’ve been relegated from the world of real trews to the Magic Christmas Expansion Pants needed by Seasonal World Class Gluttons. They were spray on, even at the waist where, according to the website, they would be a size too big. I could barely raise my thigh.
- 20 jeans – still in the packet.
The clothing is going back…
The next step is to order one type of jeans/trews in 20/22/24/26 and see where that leaves me.
When will retailers ensure that A) sizes meet their published sizing guides, B) are consistent across their offering, regardless of who manufactured it where and C) the quality of the fabric, cut and design are worth nigh-on £50 per item.
In the meantime a wardrobe churn came up with another pair of trews to patch. They will fit in about -10lbs time. Hurray! I have some clothing!