One year on

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A year has passed since I started this blog. Many, many months have passed under the bridge, like a never ending game of poo sticks in a fast slowing stream. They have also been many months of inactivity. Draft posts have been started, only for them to be discovered today half finished. Some were works of unutterable genius and beauty; I weep for their uselessness, their optimum posting time now lost in the muddy, grubby, poo-laden murk waters of that dratted stream.

It has been a tough year. I found myself ranting bile and caustic vitriol to the screen, creating hateful, bitter and alienating posts the only purpose of which was to be an outlet for my state of mind.

It has been a year of coming to terms with some things, and giving up on others to help my healing. A year of waiting on a platform for a train that never arrived.

We will never be able to have children of our own.

1. With PCOS I rarely ovulate and my egg quality is considered ‘poor’.
2. My cycle is somewhere between 33-42 days long.
3. Mother’s menopause started at 45. It’s an indication of my fertility span, ergo: baaaaad.
4. My auto immune antibodies are 94. Average is 0-30. The joke being that I decided I was immortal some time ago, saying all I needed to do was to convince my body of the same. Now, it would appear, my body was ahead of the curve.
5. It took three appointments of asking (six months) for the NHS to confirm the cut off period for IVF: 39yrs 6mths. Not 40, after all.
6. My BMI is still too high. I was down to living off 1240 calories a day and plateauing constantly. The last fertility consultant I saw admitted her surprise that my BMI was so high, as I didn’t look it. She even asked if I had weighed myself correctly. It was her nurse, on her scales.
Ah, she said, that’s going to be difficult for you to meet the BMI criteria.
No kidding, I said, and thank you for finally acknowledging this.
7. I no longer qualify for NHS treatment. We went private with a reputable clinic. The good news is that we can overcome the immunology problems, at a cost of c.£10,000, we can then start IVF, at a cost of c.£3,000 per go. I can’t remember the cost of the donor egg programme. And my immune system will need to be carefully ‘managed’ throughout.
8. When your Dr starts suggesting adoption or fostering, there comes a time when you have to accept that it’s not going to happen.

So there it is. We will remain childless. It’s been difficult to absorb.

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